"I like to eat, eat, eat, eeples and baneenees"

I’m fortunate enough to have a gym at my work. It doesn’t have everything I want, but it has enough for me to not spend my money on a gym membership. I’ve been trying for the last year to get back into shape. I started last October and was doing really well. And then somewhere over the summertime I petered out and gained back the weight I lost. (No surprise there.) And then I started back up this October with doing the Couch to 5k training. I was doing great. I was up to 2.25 miles and then I started to get sick… right before Christmas. Long story short, today was my first day back to the gym after not going for a month, and it was great!

I’m normally by myself there. Occasionally someone will come in to work out, but for the most part I have it to myself. Today, however, two guys came in when I was just finishing up on the treadmill. One stayed downstairs to work on weights, and the other guy came upstairs to do some stuff. He was going hard core and so when I transitioned from the treadmill to doing crunches, reverse sit-ups, and leg weights, he motivated me! I mean, he didn’t know he was, but he was. It pushed me to take less time off between sets, thus keeping my heart rate up. And when I was finishing up and going home, he was hopping on the treadmill. Now I’d like to think that he’ll be coming in more, but in the last year it has been my experience that no one comes in on a regular basis while I’m there.

After the gym I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things. Can I just say that I LOVE how it feels when I’m shopping for healthy items?! I went to the cashier who had the shortest line and as I was putting my food on the conveyor belt I did what we all do… I checked out what the person in front of me was getting. As luck would have it, he was buying healthy items as well. So on go my brussel sprouts, spinach, baby red potatoes, carrots, green onion, bananas, frozen veggies, and 4 weight watcher meals (you know, for when I’m not feeling like cooking or run out of time to make my tuna for lunch). I saw the guy in front of me perusing my items as well, and it made me feel proud of myself. I didn’t feel guilty for stocking up on junk food. In fact, he had already eaten at least a ¼ of a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips! I almost left the line to go buy box of the same tea he was buying (I didn’t realize they carried Rooibus)but I figured I’ll just get it next time.

So.. Just to recap. First day back at the gym and I felt motivated and great by the time I was done. Went grocery shopping and I felt motivated and great by the time I was done. I suddenly don’t feel as guilty for eating a small cheeseburger at Five Guys today for lunch. Hey, I said I’m not perfect!

Tomorrow starts another new day and I’m hoping to do even better. I’ll be bringing my lunch to work (as I normally do) and then I’ll be returning to the gym. I. CAN. DO. THIS.

"Blank stares at blank pages... no easy way to say this"

I originally sat down with the intention to write about something completely different. But I didn’t like the direction it was going (which was nowhere). And then I was talking on the phone to my boyfriend and we got to talking about blogging.

My first blog wasn’t even considered a blog. It was an online journal. Actually, I wrote on MyDearDiary.com so I suppose it was technically a diary. Haha. I wrote there for a few years and when I did, I wrote about whatever I wanted to. It didn’t matter how personal, because no one from my real life knew about it. I became friends with a few other writers and they became my online family. Most of the time people remained nonjudgmental, and that’s exactly what I was looking for. Eventually that site took a different direction and I decided to follow a few of my fellow writers to Xanga.com. I tried writing there, but the reality is that my life became busy and I stopped making time for it. And now I’m here.

When I first started writing here I thought I’d write about random subjects. I didn’t think I’d ever write about my personal life happenings because I planned on telling real friends about it. Lately though I’ve been torn on how personal (or not) I should get. Deep down I want to be an open book. I don’t want any topic to be off-limits. On the other hand maybe there should be things that are kept private. It’s kind of like reality shows. They always say that nothing is staged, that what you see is what you get - the real, raw truth (yea, ok). But when you start blogging about personal experiences or working out how you feel about certain things, you naturally start to censor. I want to come here and share anything and everything. I don’t want to censor myself for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or stepping on someone’s toes. I prefer to use this as a way of thinking out loud and getting thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Maybe my personal life will, for the most part, remain as word documents on my computer, and then select entries will be posted here. I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear.

"And if not for those who loved us and who cared enough to show us... Where would we be today"

Little girls often dream about what they are going to do when they “grow up” and I always assumed I would get married and have a family of my own. And while I didn’t understand what it would entail, I thought it would be cool to adopt a child. That’s not to say I didn’t think I’d get pregnant on my own. I figured I would do both. It was just an idea I had. I figured there were so many babies in the world that already needed homes, why not help give one of them a good one.

Flash forward to present day. I’m single. No kids. And as much as I would like to have children of my own someday, the thought of adopting hasn’t left me. More so though, I think it would be amazing to become a foster parent. I realize this is not something I can achieve on my own, but I’m not giving up on the idea so quickly.

I know that being a foster parent is hard work. I know that you get children from all walks of life. I know that you get children of all ages. How great would it be to provide a temporary living arrangement for a child? To provide a stable and positive atmosphere where they feel loved no matter what.

I can’t begin to imagine how hard and difficult it can be as a foster parent. It would seem easy to get attached to a child only to have to give them back to someone else. But the satisfaction derived from it all has got to make the good outweigh the bad.

Lately I’ve been feeling something weighing heavily on my heart. I know that being a foster parent right now isn’t it. Perhaps I need to look into a mentoring program… something like Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I feel a calling to volunteer somewhere and I feel like it should involve babies and/or younger children. I’m not exactly sure where to go from here, except that I need to start researching options. I also need to start listening very carefully. I don’t know what God is trying to tell me, and I don’t know if it is to be temporary or permanent, but it’s obvious it is something.

"If it don't matter to you, it don't matter to me"

Uptight.

1. Tense, nervous, or jittery
2. Annoyed or angry
3.Stiffly conventional in manner or attitudes

I am uptight. I think I’ve always been this way. I know how to relax and have a good time, but for some reason it doesn’t happen as often as it should. I’d like to think that, like anything else, this is something that I can change. Lately, however, I’m not so sure. Some people say that you shouldn’t take life so seriously, but how can you not?

I have a sense of humor, but I don’t laugh at a lot. Usually when I do laugh, it’s at random silliness. I rarely laugh at jokes or comedians. I’ll occasionally laugh while watching a tv show. And I don’t find myself laughing out loud at too many movies either. I’ll smile, but laughing - not so much.

Sometimes I’m afraid that if I don’t loosen up, that I’m going to push people away without trying. I don’t want to be the stick in the mud. How do I learn to relax and let go? I want to be more easy-going. I used to think I was pretty easy to please. The older I get, the longer I live by myself, the more I think that maybe I’m not as easy going as I once was. When you live by yourself you do things how you want them, when you want them. When you live with someone else you have to take into consideration how they like things, too. And then you have to compromise. That can be hard to do when you’re uptight. Does that mean I’m selfish? I suppose in some ways we are all selfish at times. But being selfish AND uptight is certainly not a good combination.

I need to learn to relax more. I need to let go of wanting to be in control as much as possible. I don’t know if it’s a power thing so much as it is being obsessive-compulsive. Either way, I need to find a way to change.

"You take this hand, you take this heart... stir my bones from a thousand miles apart"

Soulmates. I’m not sure I ever really gave it much thought when I was younger. I suppose I could have believed in the idea of a soulmate. After all, don’t most little girls grow up thinking their own version of prince charming is out there just waiting to cross paths?

I don’t believe I have a soulmate. I believe I have soulmates. Yes. Plural. Who knows how many soulmates a person can have. I really don’t know. I don’t think a person has a ton of them. I think there are very few who qualify. I know of two that I have. I’ve known one soulmate for over ten years. The other I met a few years ago, but truly got to know better in the last year or two.

I suppose I should explain. My view is that a soulmate is someone you have a strong connection with. It’s sharing an intimacy that you can’t share with just anyone. What I’m talking about goes beyond sexual connection. It’s when someone inexplicably “gets” you. It’s that emotionally personal bond. It’s having that heightened sense of awareness towards the other person. It's knowing something is wrong or knowing they have good news to share, without them saying anything. I believe that your soulmate is someone who naturally brings out the best in you. They make you want to succeed and be happy AND they know how to help get you there. Words of encouragement flow easily back and forth. And for me personally, there is an invisible flow of creativity that bounces between the two of us. Suddenly ideas are flying, words aren’t enough, and the music in my heart makes my head hurt because I can’t get it out on to paper quick enough.

Many would say that you tend to marry your soulmate. While I see the logic in that, I don’t necessarily think it’s what happens. Perhaps you marry someone who appears to meet most of your soul mate “criteria”. A person can have the best qualities ever, and maybe you do want to spend the rest of your life with that person, but that doesn’t mean they are your soulmate. Just like I can be around other people who inspire my creativity, but that doesn’t mean we have that special connection all around. And if you're lucky enough to meet a soulmate and end up with them for ever, well kudos to you.

Having a soulmate is almost like a gut reaction. It’s instinct. It almost can’t be properly explained, it’s just a feeling you get that is different than love. It’s different than friendship. It’s something of greater magnitude than both of those combined. It just… is.

"Be somewhere you want to be... Keep on grooving because that's the key."

Why is it that the older I get the less likely I am to follow dreams, take leaps, and be spontaneous? Part of me knows it’s because I've always been the responsible one, the person who is borderline uptight. I like to have plans. I like to have everything in it’s place. I’m generally not one for surprises. But I do have a part of me, albeit a small part, that wants to follow my dreams no matter how crazy. I want to set goals and accomplish them, even if they are for no reason at all but to say that I did it. And I want to be spontaneous, even if my idea of spontaneity is measured on a much smaller scale than most.

I’m not trying to say that I’m old, because being 31 (almost 32) is hardly what I would consider old. But when I was in my early twenties, I dared to dream. And I really believed that my dreams could, and would, come true. In fact, one of my sayings was “Reach for the stars, you’ll end up on the moon”.

Now I’m tired of keeping both feet on the ground. As much as I love having order, I wish I could just live on a whim. But I’m fearful. I’m practical. And the reality is, when I was younger, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. The older I get though, I realize that I have everything to lose. I can’t just up and do whatever I want. I have responsibilities. I have responsibilities to myself and to others.

I never really dreamed about traveling the world. Yes, it’d be nice to visit faraway places. I’m not saying I would hate it, by any means. But I was always realistic. Yes, I might want to visit Paris, Rome, Ireland, Egypt… I never thought I would actually do it though. But I did have a dream about going to Australia. And it was a dream that I just knew would come true at some point in my life. I can’t say I’ve completely given up on the that dream. I guess I’ve just decided not to work towards making it happen. Maybe it’s a dream that has changed. Or maybe you’re supposed to have a dream or two that you know will never happen. Perhaps sometimes its merely about having hope for something.

I used to think that I could live anywhere if I really wanted to. As I said before, I had nothing to lose. I didn’t have a great job, so the sky was the limit on what I could accomplish. But now I have a job that I love. I have family and friends who are or have become my support system. And suddenly, moving anywhere just isn’t as easy. How does one leave behind a secure life for an unknown journey?

The grass is always greener on the other side. You always want what you can’t have. Life is just one big cliché. It’s true.

“Follow your dreams… they’ll take you far”. That’s what I have as a signature to my emails. So what do you do when dreams don’t coincide? I don’t want to stop dreaming, but I also don’t want to choose a side. I want to make the most of what life has to offer, but how do I do that when I’m so afraid of the unknown? (Don’t worry. That was a rhetorical question.)