"Happy Birthday to you"

Today is my Nana's birthday... is? Was? Whatever. I miss her a lot.

“Well there's a full moon in the western sky, and there's magic in the air”

I’m pretty sure it was the summer before 8th grade, though it could’ve been the summer before 9th that my dad took me to the county fair. My mom and sister were not with us, so I can only assume they were out visiting my Nana in Las Vegas. I don’t remember all the details about the day, but I do remember going on the swings. My dad went on them too, and I recall the both of us getting off after all the circling in the air and having to sit down on the nearest bench because we both felt like we were going to puke. That was the first time I had ever felt that way. I haven’t been on those swings since. I also remember walking around and looking at all the booths set up. It’s heavenly to a young girl. Backpacks, purses, jewelry, tie-dyed clothing of all sorts, homemade rickrack and unnecessary tchotchkes. That was the day my dad bought me the sunglasses that I HAD to have… purple lens glasses - think John Lennon style except I got the oval shaped ones that suited my face better. I was SO excited to have them. I even got to pick out a purple strappy glass holder thing so I could hang them around my neck when I wasn’t wearing them! Purple was my favorite color, they were very funky looking - what more could this girl want?! I wore them the rest of the afternoon and all the way home even though by the end of the day they were giving me a headache. (Purple lenses are not the smartest invention!) I learned to get over it though. Sometimes fashion hurts.

My next memorable trip to the fair was somewhere around the summer of 2008. My (then) husband, my BFF, and I went to the fair. I’m sure we walked around and had some food or something, but that wasn’t why we went. We were there to see… are you ready for this? BOYZ II MEN!!! Yes, they were minus one person from the group who had died, but it didn’t matter to me and my BFF. BOYZ II MEN!!! In junior high (and I think part of 6th grade) I listened to End of the Road on repeat. That was back when you could go to Tower Records or The Wherehouse and buy actual singles tapes. I had that one. I never went to a B2M concert though. This was my chance. We went to the fair, stood in line, and lemme tell you, we were fearful that we wouldn’t get in because of all the people there in line in front of us. But we did! And let me tell you, us white girls (who were definitely the minority that evening!) had an amazing, reminiscent night.

My next trip to the fair was right after my husband and I decided to separate. I had just moved out about two months before. I didn’t know a ton of people who lived near me, but there was one girl at work who I talked to who had mentioned that she went to the fair quite often to catch the concerts. I really wanted to see Uncle Kracker perform because it was his country-ish album. She said she’d come with. So we went. When we went, did some shopping, and then caught the concert while we hung out with her lesbian friends and walked around having a great ol’ time. That was when the rumor started that I left my husband for her. She was bisexual, though more leaning towards the gals than guys. We were just friends. I got a kick out of squashing that rumor. Lol

If I’m not mistaken, I went twice to the fair that year.. The second time being with a very good friend of mine. We went because we both wanted to go see Natalie Grant perform (a Christian pop artist). I don’t listen to a lot of Christian artists, but she is one I enjoy. It’d be cool to listen to her live and for the price (free with admission to fair), you couldn’t beat it. Since it was on a work night, we didn’t stay much past the concert, but let me tell you - it was hot that day, so before going in to the concert we decided to get margaritas. I’m pretty sure we were the only ones at that concert with an alcoholic beverage in hand. It was a little weird, but we didn’t care. Stare away folks. It’s hot, we’re thirsty. You just wish you had one in hand too! Once again, another great night!

Well, it’s that time of year. The fair is back. I didn’t go last year. I want to go this year if only to listen to Hoobastank perform. I don’t know if I will or not, and I'd rather not go by myself. I didn’t go last year either. I know between parking and paying for the entrance fee, food, etc, that it isn’t always a cheap visit. But I like walking around and people watching. I like buying enough ride tickets to go on the ferris wheel once and spending the rest on going down the enormous slide on a potato sack. I like splitting a funnel cake with powdered sugar on top (because let’s be real - eating a whole one by yourself, though it sounds like a good idea, will make you absolutely sick). I like walking around and seeing all the useless stuff a person suddenly wants needs. I like walking by all the carnies even though they creep me out. Some might think going to the county fair is hokey or a waste of money… maybe it is. But to me, it’s fun.

“Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks”

Today is an ultimate lazy day for me.

Bull Durham. Check. For Love of the Game. Check.

Oh yes, there is just something fantastical about a baseball movie that includes a good ol’ love story. It’s the perfect blend of all things wonderful.

Now the question remains… do I watch one more later on and make it a baseball movie trifecta? Field of Dreams would be a double trifecta because of Kevin Costner. But I could also watch The Natural, A League of Their Own or maybe something cutesy like Fever Pitch? Moneyball? Or perhaps I should just quit while I’m ahead. Sometimes you’ve got to know when to hold em, and know when to fold em.

“Me not working hard? Yea right, picture that with a Kodak”

Tonight I fully intended on blogging about something completely different. But then I got sidetracked and before I sat down to start typing I remembered that I needed to look at my running playlist to try and figure out how fast I’m running. (Yes, I realize it’d be just as easy to wear a watch.)

I run after work. I have a route that is 1.5 miles. I normally don’t run with music but my last two runs I decided to give it a try because I found some music that I thought would motivate me. And as a side note, I generally don’t run to music because then I can’t hear myself breathe. If I can’t hear myself breathe, I can’t try and keep it controlled. Running to music was a big test for me. Yesterday it was okay. Today was even better. I’ve found that in a way it’s helping condition me because I’ll be able to stabilize my breathing under the harder circumstances. Okay, so now back to my main point. (Believe it or not there is one!). As I was saying, I have my route. Yesterday I noticed it took my to about 3 songs and the start of the 4th when I hit a “marker”. If I had to guess I’d say it’s about 1.25 miles into the run, maybe a smidgen more. Well TODAY I hit that marker while the third song was finishing up with about 10 seconds or so to go. THEN the 4th song came on. When I pulled up my iTunes playlist and did the math… it appears I ran 1.5 miles in no more than 13 minutes… which would mean that I ran roughly a 9 minute mile and a 4 minute half mile. Or an 8 minute mile and a 5 minute half mile. Whatever the case may be, that means I’m running significantly faster than I thought I was. That also means that I’m getting stronger with my running. PROGRESS!!!

When I started running this route about 3-4 months ago, I was running it infrequently and (barely) in about 20 minutes. To think that now I’m running it in 13?! I feel like I didn’t do the math right! I guess it just goes to show what hard work, determination, and lots of support can do for a person when trying to accomplish goals. It certainly hasn’t been easy, but my motto has been “Slow and steady wins the race”.

Next up I’m going to start running a 2 mile run once a week in addition to running 1.5 miles the other 4 work days. Eventually I’d like to be running the 2 mile run twice a week. And then finally I’d like to work my up to running 3 miles twice a week at minimum. I know that is so far away. But with practice… why can’t I get there? Motivated? Why yes, yes I am.

It also seemed fitting that I titled this with the opening lines to my opening running song.

"Oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling"

Sometimes I sit here staring at my computer screen just willing the words to pour out onto it. There are times when I can feel so much passion and eagerness within, and yet I somehow can’t manage to confine my thoughts into paragraphs that make sense. Tonight is one of those nights. So instead of trying to make sense of it all, I’m simply going to share a few things I’m grateful for.

-- key lime pie

-- vanilla shakes

-- movie suggestions

-- gum

-- email

-- running

-- good smells

-- ginger ale

-- good books

And most importantly, I’m grateful for moments. Moments of all kind, big and small. It’s because of moments that memories are forever made.

“Reluctantly crouched at the starting line…”

I finally gave in and went and bought a big ol container of protein powder so that I can start having protein shakes post workout. I even bought one of those fancy schmancy cups with the lil whisk ball in it. Okay, okay. Fine. I bought two! One smaller one and one taller one. The smaller one is white and green. The larger one is my favorite because it’s all orange. Now I just need to keep working at it to get the body that goes with the people that typically drink those things. Lol. (As of right now I’m down between 15 and 17 lbs - So I’m half way there.) In a roundabout sort of way, I also think drinking one of these a day is also going to help push me to eat better. Hopefully it’s a win-win situation.

Anyhoo, it’s funny how something as simple as that makes me feel so much bigger in the grand scheme of things. And when I say bigger, I mean it in the “bigger and better” way. It’s like I’m a member of a secret society now… except that really it just means I’m drinking one measly protein shake a day in the hopes that it will trick my muscles into thinking they are bigger and badder than ever before. And now that I’ve said that, let me just throw in the disclaimer that I realize that’s not how it works. (Good thing only a handful of people actually read this because I can only imagine the kind of comments that would be left correcting me otherwise.)

I’ve got two people interested in helping me get my body to looking how I want it to look. One has offered to help me build up my upper body strength (which is practically nil at the moment). And today I received an offer to help me work on my conditioning by doing sprint work, etc. I’ve managed to get myself to where I am today (with the help of a couple motivating people), but I’ve held back on moving forward (go figure) because quite honestly I know how much it’s going to hurt. I can’t hold myself back anymore though. I’ve got to fight through the pain so that I can get stronger. I realize that I need people helping me with this, so while I don’t like asking for help or relying on other people, it seems that maybe it’s time to. What’s the worst that can happen? They fail me or I fail myself… and I am really tired of failing myself. So maybe I’ll give this whole help thing a try?

“Hush, hush, lay down your troubled mind”

The last two nights my Nana has been a part of my dreams. In Saturday night’s dream I don’t recall actually seeing her, but I remember feeling her presence. It would seem silly to most, but I knew she was there because not only did I feel like she was there, but in my dream there was cinnamon raisin bread in the pantry. Every other part of that dream was just weird, but when I saw that bread in the pantry - it was like a great big hug from her.

Last night I actually saw her face. I think we might have spoken (about whatever was relevant to the dream at the time) but I don’t remember what was said. The hard part is that she never stays long, and often times they don’t turn into a lucid dream until she’s gone and it’s too late for me to realize the significance of getting to see her again.

She doesn’t visit me in my dreams very often. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise as dreams of her normally make me cry. In fact I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crying right now as I type this. Often times I cry in my sleep and don’t learn of this until after I wake up and realize what I dreamed and see that my eyes are puffy and I am exhausted. On the other hand, I miss her so much that it’s so comforting when I do get to see her, even if I don’t realize it until after.

I know the idea is that you dream about whatever was on your mind last before you went to bed. But when I have dreams with my Nana in them, it’s not because I’ve been thinking about her that day. It’s as if she knows I need her. Even if the dreams aren’t about anything important, her image is there and her love is there. I really feel like she’s my guardian angel. Maybe she knows I’ve been sad lately and she knew that even though it would make me cry right now, seeing her again would make it worth it. I don’t really know. I’m just grateful for them. I can’t dream about people if I try. And trust me - I’ve tried! So to have two nights in a row… WOW.

Photos and memories are all I have left of her… and dreams.






“Sleep, Angels will watch over you and soon beautiful dreams will come true” -Secret Garden

"The way your mouth feels in your lovers kiss…. Like a pretty bird on a breeze or water to a fish”

Right now I feel like my life is just one really long run on sentence I’ve got so many thoughts and emotions tugging at me left and right up and down forward and backward that I just don’t know where I’m at or where I’m going.