Amazing Grace

Today church felt real. Genuine. I don't mean to say that it usually seems fake. But today was raw. Our worship pastor admitted to everyone that today was one of those days where he didn't want to go to church, that he could think of 12 other things he'd rather be doing. By the end of the songs he couldn't even sing though because you could see that God was teaching him and tugging at his heart. It nearly made me cry. I heard once that it's on the days when you really don't want to go that God often speaks to you the most. Today that was seen. Then the sermon began with a different pastor. The pastor who was preaching was very relaxed. At one point he said how he had to give it extra thought to use "sexy" as a word in the sermon to describe how Babylon was seen. But he concluded that it was the right word to use. Something minor, really, but still. And then at one point his phone was beeping with an alert in his pocket. He had to stop and take it out and turn the sound off as he joked about people who forget to silence their phones. He actually got distracted and it took him a minute to get back on track with the message. Something about all this happening was just... Refreshing? And then the last song we sang made me think of my great aunt that recently passed away.  It was like she was there. (She was an amazing Christian women. Her faith was astounding.) And I had to fight to hold back the tears.

Today wasn't a day where I woke up and said to myself that I didn't want to go to church. I had planned on going. But the way God showed himself to me was in a way I've seen before. It might sound bad when I say that I don't always feel a great presence at church. I'm assuming that's more of my doing than His. But today... Today was a morning wrapped in His presence.

Lucid dreams

Last night my Papa met me in my dream. We were in his house and we met in the hallway. The moment I looked up at him my mind told me this was a dream and I told him to please wait, that I wanted a hug before he disappeared. I hugged him so tight. He hugged me back. And then the dream faded away as quickly as it happened.

I don't think I've had a dream about him since he died years ago. If I have it's only been one, maybe two. Until last night I didn't realize how much I miss him. Of course I think about him from time to time. But tonight as I write this? Tonight I cry tears for him.

Shake it off, shake it off

I've been trying to shake off this feeling since the new year started, but it just won't seem to go away. I have this ominous feeling that this year is not going to be a good one. I don't like feeling this way. I don't even like admitting it out loud. But the truth of the matter is that this is how I'm feeling. Boy would I love to be wrong!