"She's got legs... she knows how to use them..."

So I'm on week 5 day 3 of the Couch-to-5k plan. Or I will be on day 3 tomorrow. I know that doesn't make sense because it's the beginning of the week so I should be on day one of whatever week. But after a short vacation and car troubles, well, my week is messed up. I'll be finishing week 5 tomorrow and moving on to week 6 on Thursday. I don't plan on running on Saturday, so that means I might have to attempt a run on Sunday (after church). We'll see.

Anyways, that's not the point of this blog entry. In fact, the more that I think about it, the more that I realize that there isn't any great significance about what I'm writing except that I wanted to say that I love the fact that I can feel my body improving. I love the fact that when I first started out jogging that it felt like I was running with my shins. And now? Now I am starting to feel like I am running with my quads. It is an amazing feeling!

And the crazy part? The crazy part is that I actually look forward to running! I know. Am I sick?! I've always said I'm not a long distance runner. I was always a sprinter. I'm fast, not quick. Or I used to be, once upon a time. But after high school I would run around my neighborhood in a route that was about 2.1 miles. It's been a LOOONG time since I've ran that distance. Ok. Ok. Let me clarify that when I say "ran" or "run" it means jog. Because as I just got done saying, I'm not a long distance runner. I don't think it's something that comes naturally to me. However I feel like I get more out of a run than out of anything else. I like the fact that, although it's a bit gross for some, I sweat. A lot. And when I'm done, I'm thirsty. I also have a sense of accomplishment. You could tell me to ride a bike for 15 minutes or run for 5 and I will get a greater feeling from the run (jog).

I didn't think I'd be enjoying this process as much as I am. I'm not even losing weight yet (though I hope that starts soon!) But I FEEL better. I can feel the change in my quads just when I'm walking down the hallway at work or when I climb the stairs at home.

The next couple weeks are going to be doozies for me, but I'm still looking forward to them. My running time is not the best. Right now I'm only running on the treadmill and I know I'll have much more resistance training once I move to running outdoors. I wanted to get my endurance up before I did that. Soon. Very soon. For now I'll settle with the fact that I'm running anywhere from a 10:30 to 11 minute mile. It's not great, but it's better than it could be. I'd love to be running a 9 minute mile. Or even a solid 10. I have to remember that sometimes it takes baby steps to get there. I have to put in the time before I can really see results.

Who knows. I might train myself to be a runner afterall!

"Sometimes it's easy to be myself... Sometimes I find it better to be somebody else"

I want too much because I want it all.
I want to be independent but I want to be able to depend on others.
I don’t want a job that I like. I want a career that I love.
I want to feel good about myself - all the time.
I want to look healthy and feel healthy.
I want the good looking guy who shares the same morals as me.
I want the guy who will go to church with me - not because he has to, because he wants to.
I want the guy who will push me to be a better person.
I want the guy who will challenge me with positive motivation.
I want enough money to live comfortably. I don’t need to live lavishly.
I want to feel secure in my place in this world.
I want to give back to others in all ways that I can.
I want to make a difference in the lives of strangers.
I want to be the better person.
I want true passion.
I want real contentment.
I want honest commitment.
I want to read more and watch television less.
I want to be more active and outgoing.
I want to be the absolute best person I can possibly be.
I know it’s going to be a long road… a hard road with plenty of obstacles. I just hope I can stay on track. Anything worth having is worth working hard for… worth fighting for. I just hope I truly have what it takes to get there. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Something tells me I’m weaker than I act, because I’m pretty sure it’s gonna hurt like hell to get to where I want to be.

"You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name"

It's been a long time since I've written here. I miss writing. I really thought I'd do better and get back into it, but apparently I was sadly mistaken. Tonight, however, I was reading a friend's blog and it got me thinking. And rather than leave a really long comment on her site, I figured I'd come here and blog. I realize I need to make time to start writing again. It helps to get my thoughts and ideas out on paper, so-to-speak. And to do so requires effort and energy. We'll see how I do in the coming days.. months... etc.

For now though...

I was at church on Sunday. No big news there. But instead of there being the usual sermon, we sang worship songs and then were asked, as a congregation, to break off into small groups of say, 3-7 people and pray. We prayed for everyone going back to school for the new school year, from preschoolers and parents of students all the way up to teachers and staff. At first I was a little apprehensive about it. I'm not going to lie. My first, initial reaction had been -oh boy, maybe I should have stayed at home today. But then I told myself to be open minded about it all. My parents were not there that day so I was sitting alone. At first I was going to just sit there and pray silently, but then the lady sitting in front of me with her husband turned around and asked if I'd like to join them. I gratefully said "yes". And so we began with the preschoolers and then stopped and the pastor would talk to a few students and ask them what they would like us to pray for and we'd break off into our groups and pray. This continued for about 40 minutes. And it was amazing.

I don't pray every day. I should. I used to. But the reality is that I don't. But sitting in church and praying with people I didn't even know, that were old enough to be my grandparents... was just so inviting.

We prayed for students. When we prayed for the preschoolers it brought me back to the time when I was a student teacher for two years in a preschool. I remembered what it was like to watch these young children learn. I remembered how hard it was for them to say goodbye to their parents, and how hard it was on some parents to leave their children behind. They were essentially leaving them behind with strangers. And warmth filled my heart and we prayed for them.

Next we prayed for elementary school kids. We prayed that they wouldn't lose their enthusiasm for school. I prayed that they would be able to have a chance to simply be kids. It was prayed that they would simply be friendly to the other children around them.

We prayed for the Jr High/Middle School students. It reminded me that I was at that age when I started really questioning Creation. Who was God? How did we get here? Why were we put on this Earth? Religion wasn't completely foreign to me, but I didn't really know enough to understand it. I just knew that I wanted to know more. I prayed that the Jr Highers wouldn't give in to peer pressure. I prayed that as the met new students from surrounding schools that they would be open to meet people and not judge. I prayed that if any of them had questions that they would have the strength to ask them, and to choose wisely who they asked. I prayed that the teachers would have patience and love and be accepting. I loved Jr. High when I was that age, but I also knew that I got picked on a little bit, too. I prayed that they wouldn't have to deal with bullying.

And for high school I prayed that they would stand strong in their faith. I prayed that even though it would be hard, that they would stand up for what is right, even if they are standing alone. That is not an easy thing to do in high school. I prayed the teachers would listen to the students, that they wouldn't be there for the paycheck so much as they were to teach.

Finally we prayed for the college aged students. High school is tough, but in some ways college is harder. In college you are really starting to come into your own. You're learning to truly think for yourself. You are asked to take sides on issues. It's really easy to leave your faith behind.

When all was said and done it made me reflect back on high school more. For starters, it reminded me of the pre-rally for See You At The Pole, where we, Christians, would gather one day out of the year before school, hold hands and pray for the nation. Then it reminded me of when I was an adult leader in the high school youth group. I always felt out of place when I was there. I felt like I wasn't touching lives. I felt like I didn't make a difference, not one bit. And then I remembered seeing the excitement on the students' faces during wednesday nights. I reflected on how excited they would be. And while I never felt useful back then, I realized now that I missed the innocence I had when I was that age. More importantly I missed how strong my faith was in high school. I didn't know everything about the Bible, I couldn't spout off scripture, but looking back, I stood up for my faith. I made choices because of my faith and beliefs. I tried my hardest to not be pursuaded in doing things that I knew I shouldn't be doing. And while that made me unpopular, it made me, ME.

All the praying we did on Sunday made me miss being a leader. It made me miss praying for students. I'm not saying I'm going to try and jump back in again. But that doesn't mean I can't start praying for students I don't know. I can pray for them in general. God can put faces and names to my faceless and nameless. The prayers will reach him all the same.

I think this will push me to start back up on doing my own personal Bible studies. I don't think I'm ready just yet to start attending one. Most of them are for married couples, and quite frankly I think I would feel awkward if I went to a singles one. But perhaps after doing one or two on my own, perhaps it will be enough for me to want to be around other single people sharing and studying God's word.

So after that happening on Sunday, and reading my friend's post from today. Simply said, I feel God speaking to me. I'm still not 100% sure of what it is He's trying to tell me, or what it is He wants me to do, but I'm going to start listening more. I'm obviously supposed to be hearing something.