“Cause I’m the one that jaded you”

Next month it will be one year away from Facebook. One whole year. And it feels great! The hardest was the first couple weeks but after that I started getting used to being away from it. I didn’t like how it was making me feel. I didn’t like how it was controlling me.

In today’s world, people are all about attention and self gratification. Everyone wants to be famous, everyone wants to be noticed. “Here, look at this picture I took of myself and posted for you all to see and comment on.” I’m not denying it. I fell into that category too. Then I realized that I’d rather be noticed by one special person than have the attention from 100 different people that really didn’t matter to me.

I got tired of finding out news from a Facebook update instead of hearing it directly from a friend. I understand it’s a convenience thing, but I think if you and I are really good friends that I deserve to be told first - via text, email or phone call - before you announce the news to anyone and everyone. The general announcements started to seem very impersonal. And if you choose to only announce important things on Facebook, well then, I guess I’m just not that important to you after all. If I was, you wouldn’t have to rely on social media to tell me these things. I still get people that forget that I’m not on it anymore, and that’s mainly acquaintances so it’s not a big deal. It took a couple friends some time to remember that I wasn’t on anymore. I’d get the “oh yea, you’re not on Facebook anymore. So when are you going to come back to it?”

I also left rather hastily… literally at like 11 o’clock at night or something like that. I did not give any warning. I can’t even remember if I did one last update to tell people. I don’t think I did. A lot of people thought I just unfriended them. I got a few texts within the first month when people noticed. I thought that was funny. There was no one event that suddenly made me leave. Rather it was something outside of Facebook, totally unrelated, and it really just made me want to cut ties with a lot of people just so that I could feel like my life was somehow simpler. For the most part it worked, so I can’t complain. I also thought it was funny when I was asked if I left because my ex-husband had gotten remarried and it happened shortly before I left the site. Lol. I guess he posted a picture from his Las Vegas wedding and people thought I saw it? I don’t know. He wasn’t even on my friends list. No. It had nothing to do with the fact that my ex-husband got remarried. (I wish him all the best and I hope life finds him happy - or at least happier than he was when he was with me.)

Some might say blogging is almost the same. To some I suppose it could be. But I generally don’t post pictures here. At least not yet. Perhaps in the future? And the majority of friends in my life *don’t* know about this blog because I don’t write here for them. I write here for me. I also feel I can express myself more if I’m not being judged by the people I know. It’s easier for me to be judged by strangers than by the people I know and care about. So the ones that *do* know about this place… they are the ones that I don’t fear. I know they won’t let what I write here, affect our relationship in the real world. They accept me for who I am. And the strangers that might stumble across this? They can judge me all they want. I don’t know them. Why should I care what they want to think of me. I’m not here to become popular.

I don’t use Twitter. I don’t use Instagram. And I don’t plan on going back to Facebook. I thought I might, but I don’t see it as being a positive tool in my life, so why bring it back. I felt like it was becoming toxic to me, and if something or someone becomes toxic in my life, I try to take that thing or person out of my life’s equation as best as possible. I don’t need toxicity. I don’t need negativity. I can see some positive points to having a Facebook page, but is it for me? No. No, it isn’t. And I’m okay with that whether you are or not.

“I’m walking on sunshine… and don’t it feel good!”

Often times before I go for a run I give a quick shout-out to God. I ask him to give me a good run and to be with me through it. Sometimes I ask to just be able to finish it, while other times I ask for no side cramps, or no knee pain. Today. Well, today I asked God for a really good run. I told him that I just *needed* a good one… better than the one I had on Monday. Talk about an answered prayer.

Its taken me about a year, but today I got there. I did it. I. DID. IT. I DID IT!!! Today I ran 3 miles… outside… without stopping!!! Oh my gosh. I did it! The first mile and a half felt good. I was running my regular pace (at least it felt like I was) and then I just went for it. Instead of turning in where my run normally ends, I went around to start the route one more time. Each time around is a mile and a half. By the time I reached about 2, 2 ¼ I was definitely slowing down to the point where I remember actually questioning myself if I could walk just as fast. But I told myself not to stop. I told myself that I just needed to keep putting one foot in front of the next. I didn’t have any side aches, I didn’t have any hurting knees. I felt my quads pushing themselves, and (because I was running so slow) my breathing was fairly under control. Then I started to get excited because I realized I could do it. I could reach my goal today. And oh my goodness when I did, it felt great!!! I am so proud of myself. And you’ll almost never hear me say that. I am though. I was beginning to doubt that I ever would reach the goal. But I tackled my fear. I tackled my self-doubt and I did it. And it felt amazing. It still feels amazing! I feel some muscle soreness and I’m sure I’ll feel it even more tomorrow. But what matters is that I can say that I did it. And the best part is that I did it all for me.

"Who can take the sunrise... sprinkle it with dew"

October is usually my favorite month. To me it’s fall leaves, pumpkins, hot coffee, and crisp, cool air, all rolled into one. It means you need to bring a light jacket with you if you go somewhere but you can still get away with wearing the occasional flip flops if you really want to. October also means Halloween - a holiday that for quite a while was my favorite. But this year I’m not excited about it in the slightest. I don’t even plan on carving a pumpkin this year. Heck, I don’t even plan on handing out candy to trick-or-treaters!!! That is so not like me, and I’m not sure why this is. It’s all so very odd to me and about as abrupt as this blog entry.

“Day, me say day O”

Every time I hear the Banana Boat song I think about the séance scene in Beetlejuice so the title just seemed appropriate.


Today is the first official day of my staycation so last night I decided to stay up (since I wasn’t sleepy) and watch four back-to-back episodes of Long Island Medium. It’s no wonder I woke up with a headache that won’t go away and a head that feels like it wants to explode from the pressure. If each episode is about 23 minutes without commercials, then you figure I probably did about an hour’s worth of crying last night right before I went to bed. I can’t help it. Those kind of shows always make me cry. I think it’s because I’ve always been interested in them, and would be interested in having a reading - mainly because I miss my Nana. I mean, even though I waver on the fence about the whole medium dealings, how can you not want to get just one more message from a loved one? Heck, it’s got me crying right now as I type this. And my Nana, being the woman she was, would no doubt be able to storm through! I have no idea what kind of a message she would have for me though. Who knows! Or to hear my Papa come through and tell me that he’s proud of me in where I’m at in my career. I know that’s rather silly because I know without a doubt that he would be proud of me. Or maybe my other Papa would show up real fast to just get in a quick “hey kid”.

I‘m not into palm readings. I’m not into tarot card readings tho I’ve often joked about having them done, and actually came close once but when I tried to go in, the door was locked. And when I called the number? No answer. Fate? I think so. But watching Long Island Medium last night… Theresa just seemed so down to earth. If I had the money to spend so frivolously, she’d be the person I’d want to go to.

I know it all seems a bit silly, but I just can’t help but wonder.

"Oh Mamma Mia Mamma Mia"

Mom memories

• A memory I have is sitting at my makeshift desk in the spare bedroom and playing on my computer. Yes, that’s right. Somewhere between 1984 and 1985 I had my very own commodore computer. If I’m not mistaken, my Papa had bought it for me because he thought I should have one. I had two or three games to play on it. I really only remember one. The other one didn’t work well because you needed a joystick which I did not have. But I loved playing this one game where you basically design a face. And the computer disk was very similar to that of an 8-track or an old school Nintendo game. Durable for my young age, thank goodness. Anyways, there is one specific day that stands out to me. I remember my mom coming home from the store and walking into that back room and handing me my very own Reeses Peanut Butter Cups!!! MY MOM went to the store and brought me back CANDY! That’s one very cool mom. This is also the same mom who let me pick Mountain Dew as my soda of choice.

• Speaking of food… I always had THE coolest lunches in elementary school. No really, I did. Whenever I wanted to buy hot lunch, I would be given money for it. But on the days where I didn’t? I’d have a kick ass sandwich of either PB&J, bologna, or Buddigs pastrami or chicken. (I think that was the brand.) I’d have a baggy full of chips, fruit snacks, and either cookies, a brownie, or some kind of ding-dong, ho-ho, or twinkie. My drink would be a fruit juice box drink - Capri Sun, Squeez-it, Hi-C something along those lines. No fruit. My other friends? A boring sandwich, chips, and usually an apple or orange. HAH. Guess they didn’t have as cool of a mom as I did. Every now and then my mom would write a little note on my napkin with a smiley face. I always thought that if I ever had kids, that I would do the same thing with them. Those napkin notes were always a fun surprise reminding me that she loved me.

• This is going to sound really mean but I can’t skip over the fact that whenever my mom falls, I laugh. I know I shouldn’t and it’s not that I laugh to be mean. It’s just that I can’t help it. When my mom falls, I laugh. I’m talking crying because I’m laughing so hard. Of course I’m concerned with her at the same time. It’s like when you hit your funny bone - it hurts so bad but you can’t help but laugh. My mom fell when I was little. I laughed. My mom fell into a bush when we were on our way into a restaurant. I laughed. My mom tripped on the step while coming in from the garage. I laughed. It’s still a mom memory.. Or memories. Even as I sit here thinking about it, it’s making me laugh. I know. I’m a bad daughter for this.

Okay, back to the good daughter memories…

• I don’t really remember my mom making cookie dough all that much. I want to say that for the most part she’s used the ready made stuff. But there are times I recall where she did make the dough, and at those times she would store it in a big yellow-orange Tupperware bowl. If she didn’t bake it all into cookies right away, the bowl would be “hidden” in the back of the fridge until she did. As a child (and even now) I have a love for raw cookie dough. It was very common that when my mom was making these cookies that I would ask for a bite of the raw cookie dough. I usually was good for a spoon or even two. But one night I just kept asking over and over for more. My mom finally took down a bowl scooped dough into it, sat me down at the kitchen table with a spoon and told me to have at it. She then followed up with “don’t come crying to me when you have a stomach ache from eating too much of it!”. I don’t recall feeling sick later that night. Perhaps my mom remembers different? I don’t really know. A lot of people would probably cringe about this - omg. She gave me something with RAW EGG IN IT?! Get over it. I’m obviously fine.

• Art projects. There is a saying that mom made notorious and it’s the saying of “I could make that”. I can’t tell you how many times my sister and I have heard Mom say that. “You know, that really isn’t that difficult. I could make that.” Now I should explain - my mom is no Martha Stewart. That’s not saying she isn’t crafty, but the reality is that as much as we heard her say this, we rarely saw her actually make all those things. BUT, I do have fond memories of things she DID make. Back when I was a kid, sweatshirts with ironed on images outlined in puffy paint were VERY popular. My mom made me one. It was a white sweatshirt and it had one or two teddy bears on it with a shamrock on it. It was outlined in green and it was my St. Patrick’s Day sweatshirt. I’m pretty sure I wore it all the time. I also remember a bunny I had. I think it was the dress my mom made for it. I sat it on my bed with my throw pillows for the longest time. I think she gave it to me for Easter. And then there was the easter egg project we worked on together. You took a balloon and then you dipped some kind of string into some gunk and then wrapped it around the balloon. It would dry and harden. You popped the balloon and what was left was an egg shaped creation. And of course there was all the pumpkin carving at Halloween. One year we even baked the seeds and ate em!

• Back to school time was a fun time as well. Looking back I don't know how my parents did it, but they provided for me abundantly. I will always treasure going to Mervyn's with my mom and doing school shopping. Then we would wait in line and put the items on layaway and I would look forward to going back and picking them up weeks later. My mom rarely told me I couldn't get something. I mean, it was all within reason, but what I mean is she always let me pick out clothes that I liked. She never tried to make me dress a certain way.

• I’m not sure why or how it started, but my mom and I would always hold hands in the car.

• I think it was in jr high that I begged my mom to let me get my ears pierced for a second time. It took some pleading, but my mom finally said okay... to one. Yes, one hole. We went to the mall together, and we each got one second hole pierced. It was almost like sharing a best friends necklace. Of course now that I'm thinking about this I'm wondering if I made the entire thing up about her getting hers. I know it's got to be closed now because I can't remember the last time she actually wore the earring there. lol.

• Another fond memory will always be of playing Scrabble. It’s our game. We play Scrabble and it’s pretty much guaranteed that we will laugh until our stomachs hurt and tears are falling from our eyes.

• As a child I loved to play dress up. My mom had this red one piece jumpsuit - a really dressy one - and I’ll never forget when one day she finally let me dress up in it. From that point on it was pretty much mine. I would put it on and then put on the high heels my Nana gave me, and I would walk up and down the hallway feeling as special as can be. I wanted to be just like my mom, and in that outfit, I was.

• When I was 15 my mom had the lovely notion to let me drive the Bronco. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even have my permit at the time, but it was in some residential area and for whatever reason my mom let me leave the industrial area parking lot and drive through that neighborhood. When I took a corner way too fast and nearly went up the curb and onto someone’s property, well, needless to say I stopped and we traded seats. I cried about it then, but I can certainly laugh about it now.

• I think the most special of memories though are the ones of all our shared birthdays. My mom and I share a birthday and when I was younger there were a couple times when we would spend the day together (she even let me miss school a couple times!) and we would go out shopping together and have breakfast or lunch. We always sing “happy birthday” to each other when others are singing it to the both of us. It’s something that no one can take from us. It’s something that is extra special and rare.

Growing up I always knew I could talk to my mom about anything. For the most part I think we had a good open line of communication. But as I grew older there were definite times when we did not get along. I have a lot of great memories that I have being a kid that include my mom, but I can also say that I have a lot more as an adult. I’m grateful for the fact that my mom is now someone I consider as a friend, too. She still knows how to get under my skin and push my buttons but I wouldn’t trade her for anyone else.