Wednesday, December 5, 2012
“Rockabye baby in the treetop…”
A co-worker (we’ll call him Charles) said something pretty interesting to me today. He said that I should have kids because I’d make a great mother. This was said following a conversation a different co-worker (we’ll call him Michael) was having with me. Michael was telling me all about how his son just got an Elf on the Shelf and how the elf made is first reappearing act this morning. So we got to talking about it and after I stopped to explain to three different people exactly what it was, he said that the only problem is that now he’s telling the elf that he really wants a dog for Christmas. Michael shared his frustration with me because he didn’t know what to do about this. They can’t get a big dog like the son wants because the son is allergic. And now he’s worried that because he’s telling the elf on the shelf this, he’ll think he’s going to get one. I simply responded with - Well just tell him that the elf is only allowed to report back to Santa to tell him if he’s been good or bad, that the elf isn’t allowed to pass on other messages like what he wants for Christmas. Michael was thrilled with this idea. He thanked me and told me that was exactly what he was going to tell him. You could see the relief in his face. And that’s when Charles piped in and made the comment that I really should have kids because I’d make a great mother. He said I’m crafty and creative like that and he can’t imagine it being wasted/not put to use.
It’s ironic because all my life all I’ve ever wanted to be more than anything else is a mother. I’ve always had a thing for kids. (Funny random story - I used to get mad at my mom when she’d refer to me as a “kid”. I used to tell her that I wasn’t a baby goat. I was a “child”. haha). Anyways, now with the majority of my friends having had kids and having more as we speak, I can’t say it hasn’t been on my mind. It’s hard not to think of babies when I’m buying stuff for baby showers or just baby gifts in general. It’s hard when holidays roll around and I don’t get to experience the true joy of it through the eyes of a child. On the flip side, the only responsibility I have is me. I can pretty much do whatever I want with my time, and I don’t have to worry about getting even fatter from a pregnancy (selfish, I know). Regardless, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I probably won’t bear any children of my own. I know. I’m *only 32* (almost 33) and it’s not too late… blah blah blah. I’m not saying NEVER. I’m just saying that I really don’t see it being in my future. Some days that’s a hard thing to accept, and other times it isn’t. Maybe I’m not meant to have any because I wouldn’t be as great of a mom as others seem to think I’d be. Maybe I’m better off being “Auntie” to my friends’ kids, better off being just a babysitter or person who stops by and visits than to have them fulltime as my responsibility. And maybe a relationship will present itself in the future and I will have children of my own. Or I’ll adopt. Or, maybe I’ll have the pleasure of becoming a step-mom to someone else’s kids. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time I thought the Step-mom thing could happen (but that’s a whole other story). Or, maybe none of that will happen and I learn to get along without.
I don’t know what’s in my cards. I haven’t the foggiest clue as to what the future holds. I’m happy for all my friends and their own families that are being created, I really am. I also know that it changes the dynamics just a bit and that is something I have to learn to deal with. It’s all very bittersweet for me. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and He has reasons for doing (or not doing) things for reasons that are sometimes unknown to us at the time. As with anything else, sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
“That’s just the way it is. Some things will never change”
“The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it” ~Michaelangelo
I don’t know what is true for me. I feel that more times than not, my goals are just high enough to feel like goals, but low enough that it’s more likely I can reach them.
Let’s start with school. I liked school, but I didn’t love it. Studying and retaining information was never easy for me - it still isn’t. I got good grades for the most part. But I never had huge goals of going to college. I always knew I would go to the community college in my hometown. I didn’t even bother to take the ACTs or SATs because not once did I give going to a 4-year college a thought. I considered it once when I was done getting my AA. I looked into the nearby college. I would have had to take two more classes to be able to transfer - Statistics being the easiest of the math classes, and a speech or English class (I can’t remember which). And that ended my proper education. Originally I thought I was going to go to school for teaching but then I got scared and changed my mind. Rather than continue on for a Liberal Arts degree I opted to take a different road for the sake of it being different, and I got my AA in Business. I had no desire to start my own business or to get into accounting. So why did I make that choice? I don’t know. By the time I was done, my gpa was so low it was almost a joke. I did graduate though with my two year degree. Whoopdee doo. I had them mail it to me. I wasn’t about to walk across the stage. To me that was a joke. It meant nothing. And from that point on it was full-time work for me.
Work was not a new concept for me. While going to the community college I also held down three part time jobs. One was at a candy store. I worked there in the evenings. But right after school I usually went home and for 2-4 hours depending, I would sit in my room and make phone calls for the Auction Company I worked with. I wasn’t selling anything, I was simply reminding them that we’d be in their neighborhood that weekend and give them the information they probably already knew. It was tedious, but I was able to do it from home because I knew the owners, and it was $12 an hour. So I’d do the calls, then I’d go to the candy store and work until closing. Usually I’d try to squeeze in some time to do homework in between. And what didn’t get done during the day, got done after the candy store hours. On the weekends I would work either at the candy store or at the auction location. The auctions, with travel time included, would be anywhere from a 12 -14 hour day. The money was worth it though. It allowed me to pay for my schooling. Oh yea, I also babysat two nights a week, and during the summer I was a nanny full-time while taking a summer class at school.
Anyways, I’ve gotten off track. Work. Sometimes you have to start at the bottom and work your way up, so that’s what I did. I worked for the Auction company full time after school was done. Then I continued on and worked three more jobs before I ended up where I’m at today. Am I exactly where I want to be? No. I’d like to go one step further. I’m not though. At least not right now - partially for reasons out of my control, and partially because I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of failure. It’s like college all over again, but worse.
Am I happy right now? For the most part I am. Have I accomplished anything great? No. But at least I’m able to put a roof over my head, and food on the table. I might not be able to afford big trips or a fancy car, but as far as basics go, I’m able to provide for myself. If I would’ve had a higher aim, a bigger goal to reach, does that mean I would be better off right now? Who knows. I struggle with the idea of having big goals and learning to just be content. Where is the line? I want to be content. I want to be happy with where I am and what I have. I think I do a pretty decent job of that. I’m certainly grateful for everyone and everything I have. But at what point do you say that being content isn’t enough? Isn’t that almost like giving up or settling? Like I said, to me it’s a fine line. Maybe it’s the reasons behind your decision that determine if it’s okay or not. For instance, the main reason of my wanting to go a step further with my career isn’t about the money. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that wasn’t part of it, but it certainly isn’t the main reason for it. If that’s the case, then wanting to set and reach that goal would be okay because the reasons are right - they are honest and true. But if it was so that I’d just have more money so that I could buy more stuff, then that wouldn’t be okay. My heart wouldn’t be in it, and odds are I wouldn’t be happy in the long run. Ultimately I’m very close to where I want to be. I can’t be upset about that. I’d rather be where I’m at now than where I was 8 years ago at a job I didn’t like, just trekking along for the work experience.
Low goals. High goals. I suppose it’s good just to have them in general. And maybe some goals aren’t meant to be reached. Maybe they are more dreams than goals. I suppose as long as I’m relatively happy that’s all that matters. You take the good, you take the bad… you marry them together and call it life.
I don’t know what is true for me. I feel that more times than not, my goals are just high enough to feel like goals, but low enough that it’s more likely I can reach them.
Let’s start with school. I liked school, but I didn’t love it. Studying and retaining information was never easy for me - it still isn’t. I got good grades for the most part. But I never had huge goals of going to college. I always knew I would go to the community college in my hometown. I didn’t even bother to take the ACTs or SATs because not once did I give going to a 4-year college a thought. I considered it once when I was done getting my AA. I looked into the nearby college. I would have had to take two more classes to be able to transfer - Statistics being the easiest of the math classes, and a speech or English class (I can’t remember which). And that ended my proper education. Originally I thought I was going to go to school for teaching but then I got scared and changed my mind. Rather than continue on for a Liberal Arts degree I opted to take a different road for the sake of it being different, and I got my AA in Business. I had no desire to start my own business or to get into accounting. So why did I make that choice? I don’t know. By the time I was done, my gpa was so low it was almost a joke. I did graduate though with my two year degree. Whoopdee doo. I had them mail it to me. I wasn’t about to walk across the stage. To me that was a joke. It meant nothing. And from that point on it was full-time work for me.
Work was not a new concept for me. While going to the community college I also held down three part time jobs. One was at a candy store. I worked there in the evenings. But right after school I usually went home and for 2-4 hours depending, I would sit in my room and make phone calls for the Auction Company I worked with. I wasn’t selling anything, I was simply reminding them that we’d be in their neighborhood that weekend and give them the information they probably already knew. It was tedious, but I was able to do it from home because I knew the owners, and it was $12 an hour. So I’d do the calls, then I’d go to the candy store and work until closing. Usually I’d try to squeeze in some time to do homework in between. And what didn’t get done during the day, got done after the candy store hours. On the weekends I would work either at the candy store or at the auction location. The auctions, with travel time included, would be anywhere from a 12 -14 hour day. The money was worth it though. It allowed me to pay for my schooling. Oh yea, I also babysat two nights a week, and during the summer I was a nanny full-time while taking a summer class at school.
Anyways, I’ve gotten off track. Work. Sometimes you have to start at the bottom and work your way up, so that’s what I did. I worked for the Auction company full time after school was done. Then I continued on and worked three more jobs before I ended up where I’m at today. Am I exactly where I want to be? No. I’d like to go one step further. I’m not though. At least not right now - partially for reasons out of my control, and partially because I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of failure. It’s like college all over again, but worse.
Am I happy right now? For the most part I am. Have I accomplished anything great? No. But at least I’m able to put a roof over my head, and food on the table. I might not be able to afford big trips or a fancy car, but as far as basics go, I’m able to provide for myself. If I would’ve had a higher aim, a bigger goal to reach, does that mean I would be better off right now? Who knows. I struggle with the idea of having big goals and learning to just be content. Where is the line? I want to be content. I want to be happy with where I am and what I have. I think I do a pretty decent job of that. I’m certainly grateful for everyone and everything I have. But at what point do you say that being content isn’t enough? Isn’t that almost like giving up or settling? Like I said, to me it’s a fine line. Maybe it’s the reasons behind your decision that determine if it’s okay or not. For instance, the main reason of my wanting to go a step further with my career isn’t about the money. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that wasn’t part of it, but it certainly isn’t the main reason for it. If that’s the case, then wanting to set and reach that goal would be okay because the reasons are right - they are honest and true. But if it was so that I’d just have more money so that I could buy more stuff, then that wouldn’t be okay. My heart wouldn’t be in it, and odds are I wouldn’t be happy in the long run. Ultimately I’m very close to where I want to be. I can’t be upset about that. I’d rather be where I’m at now than where I was 8 years ago at a job I didn’t like, just trekking along for the work experience.
Low goals. High goals. I suppose it’s good just to have them in general. And maybe some goals aren’t meant to be reached. Maybe they are more dreams than goals. I suppose as long as I’m relatively happy that’s all that matters. You take the good, you take the bad… you marry them together and call it life.
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