“Rockabye baby in the treetop…”

A co-worker (we’ll call him Charles) said something pretty interesting to me today. He said that I should have kids because I’d make a great mother. This was said following a conversation a different co-worker (we’ll call him Michael) was having with me. Michael was telling me all about how his son just got an Elf on the Shelf and how the elf made is first reappearing act this morning. So we got to talking about it and after I stopped to explain to three different people exactly what it was, he said that the only problem is that now he’s telling the elf that he really wants a dog for Christmas. Michael shared his frustration with me because he didn’t know what to do about this. They can’t get a big dog like the son wants because the son is allergic. And now he’s worried that because he’s telling the elf on the shelf this, he’ll think he’s going to get one. I simply responded with - Well just tell him that the elf is only allowed to report back to Santa to tell him if he’s been good or bad, that the elf isn’t allowed to pass on other messages like what he wants for Christmas. Michael was thrilled with this idea. He thanked me and told me that was exactly what he was going to tell him. You could see the relief in his face. And that’s when Charles piped in and made the comment that I really should have kids because I’d make a great mother. He said I’m crafty and creative like that and he can’t imagine it being wasted/not put to use.

It’s ironic because all my life all I’ve ever wanted to be more than anything else is a mother. I’ve always had a thing for kids. (Funny random story - I used to get mad at my mom when she’d refer to me as a “kid”. I used to tell her that I wasn’t a baby goat. I was a “child”. haha). Anyways, now with the majority of my friends having had kids and having more as we speak, I can’t say it hasn’t been on my mind. It’s hard not to think of babies when I’m buying stuff for baby showers or just baby gifts in general. It’s hard when holidays roll around and I don’t get to experience the true joy of it through the eyes of a child. On the flip side, the only responsibility I have is me. I can pretty much do whatever I want with my time, and I don’t have to worry about getting even fatter from a pregnancy (selfish, I know). Regardless, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I probably won’t bear any children of my own. I know. I’m *only 32* (almost 33) and it’s not too late… blah blah blah. I’m not saying NEVER. I’m just saying that I really don’t see it being in my future. Some days that’s a hard thing to accept, and other times it isn’t. Maybe I’m not meant to have any because I wouldn’t be as great of a mom as others seem to think I’d be. Maybe I’m better off being “Auntie” to my friends’ kids, better off being just a babysitter or person who stops by and visits than to have them fulltime as my responsibility. And maybe a relationship will present itself in the future and I will have children of my own. Or I’ll adopt. Or, maybe I’ll have the pleasure of becoming a step-mom to someone else’s kids. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time I thought the Step-mom thing could happen (but that’s a whole other story). Or, maybe none of that will happen and I learn to get along without.

I don’t know what’s in my cards. I haven’t the foggiest clue as to what the future holds. I’m happy for all my friends and their own families that are being created, I really am. I also know that it changes the dynamics just a bit and that is something I have to learn to deal with. It’s all very bittersweet for me. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and He has reasons for doing (or not doing) things for reasons that are sometimes unknown to us at the time. As with anything else, sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time.